Are we there yet?

So, we're into our 9th month of defeating COVID-19. These words made me laugh but there's a lot of truth mixed in to consider. . .comic relief needed 

·        So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitiser and hand soap?

·        Is it too early to put up the Christmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do.

·        When this virus thing is over with, I still want some of you to stay away from me.

·        If these last months have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet, particularly among politicians and bureaucrats.

·        Just wait a second – so what you're telling me is that my chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others? You’re kidding, right?

·        People are scared of getting fined or arrested for congregating in crowds, as if catching a deadly disease and dying a horrible death wasn’t enough of a deterrent.

·        If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal just because we reopen everything, raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it.

·        Another Saturday night in the house and I just realised the trash goes out more than me.

·        Whoever decided a liquor store is more essential than a hair salon is obviously a bald alcoholic.

·        Remember when you were little and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. Those would be helpful right now.

·        The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors: 1. How dense the population is and 2. How dense the population is.

·        Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever? Well, wish granted. Happy now?

·        It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to home school one.

·        Did a big load of pajamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for this week.

Some of My Favorite 'Old is' Jokes

Thanks to Wally for these gems

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your sweetie says

'Let's go upstairs and make love'

And you answer:

'Pick one, I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you

On your new alligator shoes

And you're barefoot!

'OLD' IS WHEN...

A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy ...

And your pacemaker opens the garage door!

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You don't care where your spouse goes

... Just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down

By the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting a little action'

Means you don't need to take any fibre today

'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car

... In the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

An 'all nighter' means not getting up

To use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You enjoyed the Big Band Era: Sioux, Iroquois, Apache, Crow ...

'OLD' IS WHEN...

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

It takes twice as long to look half as good.

'OLD' IS WHEN....

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

'OLD' IS WHEN....

You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

'OLD' IS WHEN....

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

'OLD' IS WHEN....

Rocking in a rocking chair feels like a roller coaster ride.

'OLD' IS WHEN....

Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.

'OLD' IS WHEN....

You have that “morning after” feeling when you wake up, but you didn’t party the night before.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN....

You are not sure these are jokes!

Have a good day!

"Young at heart"

(slightly older in other places!)

Some Facts About Men mostly true, maybe...

The most thoroughly wasted of all days is that on which one has not laughed.

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a
man during the play-off season of any sport.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals/tennis shoes.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not
brave enough to get a bikini wax.

Men don't get cellulite. Most women believe for that
reason alone, God might just be a male.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as
women do because their clothes all button and zip in
the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in
the back. Women may need men emotionally and sexually,
but they also need men to help them get dressed easier
and quicker.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that
feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight.
When a man tries something from his closet that feels
tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like
monotony.

The power of a smile,

The wiser you get, the younger you appear.  

Here are some words of advice, thanks to Colleen for this

It is all in the interpretation:

I have had enough!!!! So sick of it, I'll never help anyone again…EVER!! Either I'm too kind-hearted, or I'm too stupid ... Whatever! 

Yesterday it was so cold, and my heart ran away with me once again.... I took a man into my home out of pity .... and out of the kindness of my heart. I felt so sorry for him, he was trembling with cold, poor thing out in the snow.

But this morning, he had just vanished without a word, not even a goodbye or a thank you or a kiss my butt for sheltering him.

And the last straw was when I realised he had peed all over the living room floor............. that's the "thank you" I get for being good to people, so let me warn my friends, watch out for this man. 

He is very pale, heavy set, wearing nothing but a scarf, he has a nose that looks like a carrot, and two black eyes that shine like coal. His arms are so skinny they look like sticks!!! Don't bring him in to your house, what a huge mess he made on my carpeted floor.

A bit of humor about nutrition and health

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.


Speaking English is apparently what kills you

A good laugh may cheer you up

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. senior lady joke

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it)

-She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

(Ok it was pretty bad, but share this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.) 
Next One: It pays to know your Bible:

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening at church service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "STOP! ACTS 2:38!" (Repent and be baptised, in the name of the lord, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell scripture at you."

"SCRIPTURE?!" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and TWO 38's!

And the last for today

A bad Newfie joke

My wife's family on her mothers side is from Newfoundland, so here is a joke for her side of the family. It  is sooo bad it is funny.

A Newfie won a fishing boat in a raffle and tows it home. His wife looks at him and says, "What in the name o' Lard Jasus are you gonna do wit dat, bye? We lives on a farm. There's nary a bit o' water within 75 miles o' 'ere."

He says, "Don't care. I won 'er and I'm gonna keep 'er."...

Several days later the Newfie's brother comes over to visit. He looks out in the field behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a fishing boat in the middle of the field with a fishing rod in his hand.

He stands at the edge of the field and yells out to him, "What the frig are you doin'?"

His brother calls back, "I'm fishin'. What the frig does it look like I'ma doin'?"

His brother yells back, "Lard tunderin' my son, it's people like you that gives Newfie's a bad name, making everyone think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick you in the friggin arse."

20 jokes so bad that will make you laugh!

. 
Thanks to the folks at tickld.com for these jokes

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" 

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." 

"Is it common?" 

Well, "It's Not Unusual." 

3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly. 

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good...) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!

For all the old men out there

Here is some silly stuff, that may ring true for some of us old farts.

Complaint received and ignored

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

For all of us with Irish in our hearts

 Happy St Patricks day to all the Irish Canadians out there, and here are 30 things that only true Irish Canadians (or Canadians of any nationality) will understand

1. People asking you to say ‘aboot ‘ for them.

2. Having roads in our potholes.

3. Accidentally setting your keyboard to French and not realizing for the longest time.

4. When I Travel Abroad, Locals Think I’m American.

5. When I Type '?,' It Comes Out As 'É'

6. Constantly getting duds when it’s roll up the rim season.

7. Uses Canadian Spelling... Gets Corrected By U.S. Spell-Checker.

8. Asks For A Double-Double... U.S. Cashier Doesn't Understand.

9. Paid $1.98 Charge With A Toonie... Got No Change.

10. Shipping with the US: free. Shipping internationally: 3 BILLION DOLLARS.

11. Panicking at the scent of burnt toast.

12. Just Got Netflix... U.S. Selection Is WAY Better.

13. If you pronounce the second 't' in Toronto, you obviously don't live in Toronto.

14. Tim Horton's withdrawal while abroad.

15. Wearing heavy-duty winter boots to school and looking like a hoser all day.

16. 3 second milk ads that leave you wondering what just happened.

17. Being asked if you ski to work.

18. Your international friends and family visit the other side of Canada but still expect to see you.

19. Wildly overestimating the price with tax, just to be safe.

20. Travelling to England means that half of your luggage is filled with plug adapters.

21. Ooh, 15 cents. That's really helpful Canadian Tire.

22. "I have a friend named ______ in Vancouver, do you know them?"

23. Salt stains on everything in the winter.

24. Fahrenheit is a confusing and impenetrable mystery.

25. Need to fake an American zip code because there isn’t a postal code box.

26. "And remember class, it must be by a Canadian."

27. The air hurts my face. Why am I living where the air hurts my face.

28. Having to take your mitts off in the winter to text someone back.

29. "What's your background?" I'm Canadian. "no, before that."

30. The calories in poutine. Seriously, the stuff tastes like heaven. 

13 Life Hacks to make your life easier

A fun watch and some good ideas as well at  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnaV60TpbQ8 

If you win the lottery

A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" 

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

Miracle Grow!

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unnoticed. The next morning the husband took a pair of his underwear out of his drawer. "What the heck is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"Maria!," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put baby powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a giggle..."It's not baby powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow'!"

Wisdom

This is just a story (probably NOT true) with a funny punch line that makes a great point. NOTE: The "F" word is used once - so if it somehow offends you, I suggest you move on.  Thanks to Wally for this one.

WISDOM FROM A JEWISH MAN

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who 
had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall"

Humour or Humor?

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Edward de Bono

How does this quote shift the way you perceive your world? 


How does this inspire you? 

Punography

Thanks to Wally for these

A blonde joke

Thanks to my cousin Lorraine for this and the reminder that sometimes we have to laugh at life.

A RICH BLONDE BUYS A NEW AUTOMATIC Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day. But at night, the car just won’t move at all. After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck) She furiously calls the Jaguar dealer and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks: “Ma’am, are you sure you are using the right gears?”

Full of anger, the blonde replies: “You fool, you idiot, how on earth could you Ask such a question? I’m not stupid you know! 

Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N during the night.”

Silly jokes for my grandson

What does a caterpillar do on New Year's Day?
Turns over a new leaf.

What does a caterpillar do on New Year's Day?
Turns over a new leaf.

What does an envelope say when you lick it?
Nothing. It just shuts up.

Do you have any invisible ink?
Certainly sir. What colour?

What weighs more: a pound of lead or a pound of feathers?
They weigh the same.

Why do postmen carry letters?
Because the letters can't go anywhere by themselves.

Why is a fish like a person who talks too much?
Because it doesn't know when to keep its mouth shut.

How did we let this happen?

Some interesting pictures of people and animals in situations that make you wonder how they got into these positions and how are we going to get them out of these positions without harm to themselves or others.