Leap year yea!

Here are 29 dad jokes about leap year enjoy Valentine's Day with some humour.

1.    Why did the calendar break up with the leap year? It just needed some space.

2.    How do you plan a party for February 29th? You make sure it's a leap bash!

3.    What do you call a leap year in Australia? A jump year, mate!

4.    Why did the calendar go to therapy during a leap year? It had too many issues to work through.

5.    Why was the leap year a great time to start a new relationship? Because it's an extra day to fall in love!

6.    What do you call a frog that was born on February 29th? A leapfrog.

7.    Did you hear about the calendar that got into a fight during a leap year? It had too many dates to defend!

8.    Why did the computer celebrate the leap year? It wanted an extra byte of fun!

9.    What did the calendar say when February 29th arrived? "I'm feeling a little extra today!"

10. What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a calendar during a leap year? A jump date!

11. How do you make a calendar laugh on February 29th? You tickle its dates!

12. Why did the scarecrow celebrate during the leap year? Because it was outstanding in its field!

13. What did the calendar say to the other days during a leap year? "I've got one more day to spare!"

14. Why was the leap year feeling so self-conscious? It couldn't help but notice its extra day!

15. What did the math book say to the calendar during a leap year? "You and I really add up!"

16. How do you fix a broken calendar during a leap year? With some dates therapy!

17. What's a calendar's favourite Olympic sport during a leap year? The long jump!

18. Why did the calendar call in sick during a leap year? It had a bad case of too-many-dates-itis.

19. How do calendars stay cool during a leap year? They have a lot of chill-dren!

20. What do you call a calendar's secret handshake during a leap year? A leap shake!

21. Why do calendars make terrible comedians during a leap year? Their jokes are just too dated!

22. What did one calendar say to the other during a leap year? "Let's make the most of our extra day and take a leap of faith!"

23. Why did the calendar bring a ladder to the leap year party? Because it wanted to take a leap up!

24. How does a calendar organize its schedule during a leap year? With a leap planner.

25. What's a calendar's favourite dance during a leap year? The "leap and sway"!

26. What did the calendar say to February 29th when it arrived late to the party? "You're a little tardy, but I'll still count on you!"

27. Why was the calendar always so relaxed during a leap year? Because it had an extra "chill" day!

28. Why did the calendar refuse to attend the leap year party? It said it was too square for such a hip event!

29. How do you make a calendar apologize during a leap year? You tell it to "make amends on the 29th!"

I hope these dad jokes brought a smile to your face during this leap year!

Ode ro a golf ball

 My thanks to George and the original author for this

Had William Wordsworth been a golfer, he would have written something like this about a golf ball !

In My Hand I Hold A Ball, White 

\And Dimpled, Rather Small.

Oh, How Bland It Does Appear, 

This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess, 

The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.

But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,

 I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same, 

Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.

It Rules My Mind For Hours On End, 

A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

 It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,

I Hate Myself And Want To Die.

It Promises A Thing Called Par,

If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball, 

Should Not Be Very Hard At All.

But My Desires The Ball Refuses, 

And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,

And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.

Often It Will Have A Whim, 

To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land, 

Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.

Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul, 

If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup, 

And Swear That I Will Give It Up.

And 

Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow, 

But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow

The 'Middle Wife

The following was written by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher and shows how children see the world and how teachers capture memories every day in their class rooms.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model air planes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Did I read that sign right?

 TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya' think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy! 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 
See if that works better than a fair trial!
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
********************************************************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
**********************************************************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
***********************************************************************************************
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
*********************************************************************************************
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to bring a smile... (maybe even a chuckle).

 

A bedtime Story

 Bedtime story time Thanks to BJ for the story

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round:

She says. "I played on my college's golf team.
I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says. "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say. "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.

She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.

They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.

She smiles, and says. "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.

Only this time, she plays left-handed.

The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.

They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.

This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.

However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.

They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her. "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." She replies. "I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says. "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says. "That's why I was fifteen minutes late

  

Friday, time for some humour

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The manager of the ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one her sale clerks a ' pep talk '. "Cathy, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm

afraid you'll have to let you go."

"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Cathy. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?"

"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that had particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."

Sure enough, Cathy's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?"

she asked.

Cathy nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did...' Fantastic.' "

"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How have you been using it?"

"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing.

My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of

other merchandise.

It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."

"Excellent work, Cathy," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"

Cathy shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a shit?”

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

  

I think you'll find a big difference between people who pray in church and those  people who pray in casinos...because the ones praying in the casinos are

very serious.

Fun Winter facts

Today is the first day of Spring in North America, and Winter is to look forward to or back on with respect. Here are some interesting facts about winter weather from the good folks at Mental Floss There are more facts so visit their site to see all of the interesting facts they post.

IT SOMETIMES SNOWS WHERE YOU LEAST EXPECT IT.

You wouldn’t be shocked to see snow on the ground of Siberia or Minnesota when travelling to those places during the winter months. But northern areas don’t have a monopoly on snowfall—the white stuff has been known to touch down everywhere from the Sahara Desert to Hawaii. Even the driest place on Earth isn’t immune. In 2011, the Atacama Desert in Chile received nearly 32 inches of snow thanks to a rare cold front from Antarctica.

SNOWFLAKES COME IN ALL SIZES.

The average snowflake ranges from a size slightly smaller than a penny to the width of a human hair. But according to some unverified sources they can grow much larger. Witnesses of a snowstorm in Fort Keogh, Montana in 1887 claimed to see milk-pan sized crystals fall from the sky. If true that would make them the largest snowflakes ever spotted, at around 15 inches wide.

A LITTLE WATER CAN ADD UP TO A LOT OF SNOW.

The air doesn’t need to be super moist to produce impressive amounts of snow. Unlike plain rainfall, a bank of fluffy snow contains lots of air that adds to its bulk. That’s why what would have been an inch of rain in the summer equals about 10 inches of snow in the colder months.

YOU CAN HEAR THUNDERSNOW WHEN THE CONDITIONS ARE RIGHT.

If you’ve ever heard the unmistakable rumble of thunder in the middle of a snowstorm, that’s not your ears playing tricks on you. It’s likely thundersnow, a rare winter weather phenomenon that’s most common near lakes. When relatively warm columns of air rise from the ground and form turbulent storm clouds in the sky in the winter, there’s potential for thundersnow. A few more factors are still necessary for it to occur, namely air that’s warmer than the cloud cover above it and wind that pushes the warm air upwards. Even then it’s entirely possible to miss thundersnow when it happens right over your head: Lightning is harder to see in the winter and the snow sometimes dampens the thunderous sound.

SNOW FALLS AT 1 TO 6 FEET PER SECOND.

At least in the case of snowflakes with broad structures, which act as parachutes. The snow that falls in the form of pellet-like graupel travels to Earth at a much faster rate.

WET SNOW IS BEST FOR SNOWMAN-BUILDING, ACCORDING TO SCIENCE.

Physics confirms what you’ve likely known since childhood: Snow on the wet or moist side is best for building your own backyard Frosty. One scientist pegs the perfect snow-to-water ratio at 5:1.

SNOWFLAKES AREN’T ALWAYS UNIQUE.

Snow crystals usually form unique patterns, but there’s at least one instance of identical snowflakes in the record books. In 1988, two snowflakes collected from a Wisconsin storm were confirmed to be twins at an atmospheric research centre in Colorado.

Teddy Bear Books You Should Have

If you like teddy bears, then there are three teddy bear books that you should have on your shelf.  These three children’s books will entertain both young and old and teach you a bit about teddy bears. There is something for everyone to learn hidden inside these pages.    

The Teddy Bears’ Picnic by Jimmy Kennedy- This books stems from the song, “Teddy Bears’ Picnic” by  John Bratton in 1907.  The teddy bear song was the first song to ever mention a teddy bear in it. These cute, teddy bears will try to schedule a picnic and as they scroll through the park they‘ll run into other teddy bear families. The book is written much like the song and the pictures are full of activity and colour. If you don’t get it for the book, you can always pick it up because of history.   

Famous Bears & Friends: One Hundred Years of Teddy Bear stories and Poems by Janet Coleman-  This is a wonderful collection of stories, inside you’ll read about how the teddy got his name. Or maybe you’ll discover who really produced the first teddy bear.  There are many new legends about teddy bears that you’ll come across that’ll surely spark your interest. The book is short, which is perfect for little ears that don’t like to sit too long. If you know someone that loves teddy bears, get this book. 

The Legend of the Teddy Bear by Frank Murphy- Murphy will captivate your children with a fun story, while at the same time teach them a bit about history. Even adults will love to read about how the teddy bear got its name. 

If you’ve never heard of these books before, chances are you are missing out. Get up to the store and get yourself a little book on teddy bear history. 

A very old joke...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean; you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan

Older and Wiser?....Probably not

Ever wonder where the idea of the wisdom of the elders came from? When life was simple – and I mean really simple – the elders of the tribe were thought to ho;d all the wisdom. Not so in our modern society where you not only have to decide  where to park when you go downtown or where to get a decent hamburger or where to shop for car insurance.

I saw a cartoon recently in which an older man is asking his granddaughter, who is working on her computer, what she is doing. She replies that she is backing up. The man says, “Now you listen to me and I’ll give you a piece of advice that my father gave me and it has always worked for me. ‘Never back up. You always want to be moving forward. When you back up you might run over something you can’t see in your rear-view mirror.’”

How many of us older and wiser people think we have all the answers when we are really still following advice and rules that we learned as children – back when they may have made some sense? Did your mother ever tell you not to run with scissors, not to play with matches or not to talk to strangers? Did she ever tell you to wait for an hour after eating before going in the water? Did she tell you not to play with that stick because you might poke some kid’s eye out? Did you father ever tell you to get a secure job, stay with that same company and then collect a nice retirement check after say, 35 years? Probably. Guess what? I played with a sticks and I went swimming after only 45 minutes. 

I have friends who talk about the good old days and I wish they would stop. Truth is, it was a struggle and many of us kept wishing things would be easier. We just refuse to remember that it was not as easy as we’d like to remember. 

I can hardly remember about  how much we complained about things back then. Do you remember wishing you had a color TV instead of that old black and white one – the one with the rabbit ears? The one you had to jump up from the couch to change the channel? Do you remember wishing your car had air conditioning? Do you remember when we had to defrost our refrigerators? Or what a struggle it was to get the ice cubes out of the tray? I could go on. Life was cruel and hard back then. Those were the BM days. (before microwaves)

I also wish you would stop telling me over and over and over again about your successes from 45 years ago. So what if you were the manager of the mimeograph department back then? Does anyone today even remember what a mimeograph machine is (or was)? Those talents and experiences are so long obsolete that no one even knows any more what they were or why they were important. And stop telling me about your 37 years’ experience as a teacher or whatever it was that you did. I strongly suspect that you didn't really have 37 years experience. Rather, I think you had one year’s experience, 37 times. (There is a difference you know.)

I also wish you would stop telling me over and over and over again about your successes from 45 years ago. So what if you were the manager of the mimeograph department back then? Does anyone today even remember what a mimeograph machine is (or was)? Do you know what those talents and experiences are so long obsolete that no one even knows any more what they were or why they were important. And stop telling me about your 37 years’ experience as a teacher or whatever it was that you did. I strongly suspect that you didn't really have 37 years experience. Rather, I think you had one year’s experience, 37 times. (There is a difference you know.) See how it feels when I keep telling you again and again?

Those of us who are “older and wiser” need to start facing the truth. We need to start learning new skills, new techniques and accepting new ideas. I’ll admit it – I remember hearing myself say – way, way back in 1989. “What the hell do I need a computer for?” Now I know what I need a computer for. I just wrote this piece on one. And maybe I still need to learn. The other day I heard myself say, “What do I need one of those fancy phones for? ” Deja vu all over again.

So please get off your old, obsolete soap box and stop telling me that because you are older, you are wiser.

Thanks to Paul  for the ideas 

More puns

Thanks to Linda for these

1.      The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.      I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3.      She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4.      A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.      The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6.      No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7.      A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8.      A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9.      Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10.  Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.  A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12.  Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13.  Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14.  I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15.  A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16.  A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17.  A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18.  It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19.  The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20.  The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21.  A backward poet writes inverse.

22.  In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23.  When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24.  Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

What Women Want In A Man!

My thanks to Marie for this

Original List: age (20 something)

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What we Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4. Listens more than talks

5. Laughs at my jokes

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What we Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly

2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

4. Nods head when I'm talking

5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

8.. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves most weekends

What we Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Can tow a Caravan

4. Can cook a BBQ

5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times

6. Appreciates a good TV dinner

7. Helps with the housework

What we Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children

2. Remembers where I have put things

3. Can still tow a van without causing chaos on the road

4. Only snores lightly when asleep

5. Remembers why he's laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Doesn't notice my facial hair and wrinkles

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Stops trying to tell jokes

What we Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing.

2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

3. Remembers where we both live.